Night with the Custodian
by The Dirty Sisterz
Summary: It's easier when you have an apprentice to help you out. Some explicitish content. Pretty sexy. :D.


**.x-Night with the Custodian-x.**

A/N: Well. We thought we might entice you all into a bit of an unused pairing. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: We own nothing, yadayada.

-

It was ten minutes to midnight, and Hermione was standing; leaning against the wall in the astronomy tower, waiting patiently.

She yawned and checked her watch; then she stamped her feet to return circulation to them.

All was still both inside and outside of the castle; it was one of those nights where even the Forbidden Forest remained silent.

Snow was silently swirling down from the sky, swiftly and heavily. There was already a significant layer of snow on the floor she was standing on. _Blasted windows... _she thought.

She had been here since the lights went out, that's how excited she had been.

But as she stifled another yawn, she realized that he just wasn't going to show tonight.

Besides, it was the middle of winter, and this was not the best place to be. Hermione shivered, and with a gloomy face, proceeded to the door.

Suddenly, she heard a noise. Footsteps.

She stopped abruptly, listening to the footsteps echoing off the stone staircase. They kept growing louder and as they kept coming nearer.

With her heart pounding, Hermione backed into the safety of the shadows. If a teacher found her out of bed at this time of night, she'd be in a week's worth of detentions before you could say "Alohamora."

The footsteps had stopped. Someone or_ something _was out there, breathing heavily.

With a start, she glimpsed a pair of dull eyes staring at her out of the darkness. She automatically raised her wand, already thinking of a suitable jinx.

Just as she waved her wand though, a raspy voice spoke out of the darkness,

"Granger? Are you here yet? It's me."

She smiled, and her heart soared. He had come after all.

She then modified her expression to one of annoyance, and crept into the light of the lantern the man who had spoken was holding. She stopped walking when she was directly in front of him.

"You're late." She folded her arms across her bountiful chest and stared him down.

"My sweet…I tried. But Peeves kept on tailing me and throwing dungbombs at me, and the damned ghost, I tried to- to-" he broke off as Hermione put a finger to his lips to silence him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Hermione let a quick smile cross her face and said, "I know you are. I was just a little...afraid I suppose. It's just...it's been so long since we, well you know..."

Argus Filch put his gangly arms around her from behind.

"I know my sweet. I've felt the urges as well. My dear Mrs. Norris was a near victim to my ravishings this past week. But," he turned her to face him, "We're here now aren't we?"

With that, a wickedly suggestive smile appeared on his face.

Hermione nodded and a rather indecent look clouded her eyes. She then stood on the tips of her toes; and let her lips brush Filch's scarred cheek.

He smiled greedily, and with surprising speed and strength he pinned her against the wall, making Hermione's wand sputter red sparks.

_It was clear that his wand also wanted some attention- _the thought flicked through his mind.

Filch tried to capture Hermione's lips with his own, but she suddenly resisted. He began to wonder if she had somehow gotten offended at his quick...excitement. But then again, it's not like it hadn't happened before...

"Err...Granger...my sweet?" he mumbled in a tone of confusion.

Suddenly Hermione burst out laughing, trying her hardest not to be too loud.

Filch's reaction consisted of rapid blinking, as if this action would help him understand the joke.

After what seemed forever for the horny Filch, Hermione's laughter had subsided to giggles. Finally, she spoke.

"Bloody hell Filch, when was the last time you had a mint?"

Filch grinned, displaying his two rows of yellowed decaying teeth.

"Oh...you know, working all day I-"

"For that matter, when wasthe last time you used a _toothbrush_?" Hermione interrupted.

Filch just kept grinning in reply, staring down at Hermione who had a hand clenching her nose.

"I'll have one for you, my sweet," he finally said, with a wink.

With that statement said, he brought out a Honeydukes sweet and popped it into his mouth. Throwing the wrapper away hastily, he once more threw himself at Hermione and began kissing her vigorously.

Hermione responded quite earnestly, now that Filch tasted absolutely yummy.

She began exploring the fabric of his shirt with her fingertips, and before long, the shirt was lying forgotten on the floor alongside with her shirt and wand. She shivered a little, feeling the cold touch her skin.

Hermione had to open her eyes to confirm some of these facts since Filch's shirt had been as rough as his chest hair, and there was no way to tell any difference. But she'd always liked hairy men. And she _swore _she could still feel her wand in her pocket. Oh. _That _was something else. She giggled at the idea.

She giggled again into Filch's mouth as she recalled how hairy Krum had been.

Then it was Filch who tore himself away from her, a manic look on his face.

"Want speed or depth, love?"

Hermione pulled at a ringlet of hair and bit her lip, trying her best to be seductive.

"Hmm..." she murmured.

She looked up at him from beneath her lashes, a lustful look on her face.

"I think I'd enjoy both tonight. Hey, maybe we'll end up melting some of this damned snow! Now go ahead, lay it ON me!"

And with that, Filch jumped her.

-

Several loud thuds were heard by a certain Cho Chang that night, as she couldn't sleep. See, she was trying to devise a plan of what better way to do Harry.

It was a very complicated business you see, trying to keep the 'Boy Who Lived' happy.

She yelped when she first heard the noise, sounding like it came from several floors above her.

She silently cursed Peeve's name, since _he _was usually the one to wreak havoc. But then, with her intelligent Ravenclaw instincts, she realized what the thumping noises were.

And from that moment on, these sounds only stimulated her brain into thinking of several bright ideas that even the kinkiest people of the world hadn't yet thought of. Her intricate plotting would leave Harry with an unusually good feeling about skipping Quidditch practice to visit her bedroom.

-

Back up in the astronomy tower, the stars were being ignored for a more..._earthly _sight.

The dimly lit room revealed two distinct shadows close together; so close that at first glance, they appeared as almost one.

But yes, they were in fact two shadows, moving in a kind of dance, a kind of rhythm.

Sounds kept coming from these suspicious shadows. Suspicious sounds. Hermione's voice rang out all of a sudden.

"Oh gosh Filch, oh gooosh."

Argus Filch was panting as well, and trickles of sweat poured down from his temples down his neck- all the way into his lustrous chest hair. But he kept right on going, his need for more encouraging him.

"Filchhh..." Hermione whispered. "Wait, stop. It's so uncomfortable, why can't you just take off your underwear instead of using the pee-hole?"

Filch blinked away sweat from his eyes and grimaced.

Hermione saw the look of reluctance and murmured, "It would make this TEN times better...and I want to see what's being _inserted _with my own eyes."

Filch bit his lip in reply, his sweat cooling upon his stationary body.

Almost pleading now she whispered, "Please."

Now Filch was a sucker for politeness (since he'd never recieved any in his long lifetime) and so this little word got to him faster than his hair growth ever did.

He sighed, reached down, and pulled off his not-so-tidy-whities.

Hermione's eyes flowed down the length of his body until they reached that area.

Several reactions happened at once. Her eyes widened considerably, she gasped incredibly loudly, and last of all, she cried:

"FILCH?! What...WHY, it's AWFUL!"

Filch blushed deeply and shushed Hermione; this was after all very late in the night, and there was no more need to bother Cho Chang.

The little scene of horror that Hermione had just witnessed consisted of Filch's entire area being covered in thick cobwebs.

The dim light of the Astronomy tower made the image all the more terrifying.

Hermione had realized that technically, her Filchie was still a virgin. (Yes, all the other times must have happened through the pee-hole thing of his tidy-whities).

The poor girl almost got tears in her eyes. Filch watched her and a look of confusion passed over his face.

"But I thought it would look better like this. Untouched you know?" his explaination came in.

Hermione raised an eyebrow and looked at him like he was a maniac.

Filch sighed again, and shivered. "Actually, I have a fear of rubber. And that's where my undies came into the picture."

Hermione almost stabbed herself right then and there, but instead she coughed politely.

A blast of icy wind decided to whip past the two figures right then, possibly saving their night of romance.

Hermione's immediate reaction to the cold was to involuntarily cuddle against Filch, whose cobwebs in turn started to strain against him.

And so the heat started up again, because the need for warmth was more important right now than dealing with Filch's phobia of all things rubber. Nevertheless, those tidy-whities stayed insignificantly on the ground while two shadows frolicked yet again. They were disrupted only once, when poor Filch got stuck. But that problem was soon resolved, for even though he was a squib, he was a fast learner.

-

The third-years slowly filed into the astronomy tower after a breakfast of toast, sausages and a couple of glasses of pumpkin juice.

It had snowed heavily the night before, and so they were all heavily bundled up. They were also not surprised to find a thick layer of snow on the ground on which they stood.

After all, Dumbledore was too damn cheap to buy glass for the windows. He was too busy spending the money on men he brought into his quarters.

The only strange thing the third-years found was that in a spot by the door, there was a huge puddle where the snow had melted.

One student thought about this phenomena, and let his innocently oblivious mind wander at what could've generated enough heat for a puddle of this size.

And what on earth was a Honeydukes wrapper doing in the puddle? They hadn't even had a trip to Hogsmeade yet...

-


End file.
